The Beginning

I know at some point in my life I was thin.

I've seen pictures.  So it must be true, right?

I don't really remember being thin, what it feels like...  I know what I looked like from pictures I have of me.  I'm wearing a pink dress with white tights and curly hair.  I also happen to be about 5.  I actually don't even know if this picture exists, however I can see it so vividly in my mind.  I think the reason why I have that image of me burned on my brain is because that's what I feel, what I've been TOLD I should look like by my mother, by society, by guys...  I'm so far from it now but that's what I'm striving for, an imaginary picture of myself.  I know there is a video of this "perfect me" dancing around to Michael Jackson with my two cousins who are both wearing vests and hulk hogan sun glasses.  So this video is clearly from the 80's.  However, it's not the 80's anymore (thank goodness).  It's 2010.

New Years... a time of resolutions which usually get broken within the month, week or day for some people.  Which is why I decided to start my journey today.  On January 10th, 2010.  It looks good 01-10-10.

For as long as I can remember I have "struggled with weight."  At least that's what you're supposed to say.  I've never really "struggled" per sey.  I actually loose weight pretty easily, however with that, I also gain REALLY easily.  I've had a hormone problem since I was 8 and the weight comes and goes like you wouldn't believe.

Six years ago, and I can't believe it was that long ago, just saying it makes me feel old, even though I'm only 25...  SIX, years ago, I had reached an all time high in my weight, which I hope to one day be able to say out loud.  I don't want to shout it off roof tops or anything, I just want to be able to admit it.  That's the first step right?  Well those six years ago I had stomach surgery.  I had gastric bypass and long story short, they put something around your stomach to make it smaller so you can't eat as much.  It's basically forcing you to be annorexic.  Well for that first whole year I could go days without eating. 

I remember being in the car with my friend Robynn and she said "Can we go eat, I haven't eaten since 5 this morning" this was about 8 at night.  I said "I'm not really hungry but we can definitely go out."  That's when I realized I hadn't eaten since wednesday and it was saturday night.  That first year, I lost 103.7 lbs.  I looked better, not great, but better but still not where I wanted to be.  5 years passed after that and I stopped keeping track of how much weight I was losing.  That's when I realized I had started gaining again.  I bought a scale and realized I had gained almost all of it back over the 5 years post that first year.  I was depressed.  I still am.  I rarely leave my house now, except for work, and social things where I'm comfortable (which is a rarity).  My weight has really effected my social life for sure, and that's when I realized I'm torturing myself.  I'm a social butterfly and my weight is holding me back, being embarassed to see people I used to see all the time who loved me.  I didn't/don't want them to see me like this, back to what I was pre-surgery.  Which is why I made the conscious decision to change.  And it starts today.

Since Christmas just passed and money was tight (buying all those gifts is tricky business) I decided I would wait until after the holidays to start my new lifestyle.  Which also helped me pack on a few more pounds that I'll need to burn off.  I've decided to start weight watchers, I've done it before and I was successful (I lost 60 lbs).  So I've set aside money on the credit card to pay for my 3 month online subscription and I will sign up for that as soon as I post this blog.

I don't plan on anyone following this, this is for me.  To keep me on track, to keep me coming back and following through.  So here goes, the first step in the long journey.

Gastric Bypass
Weight watchers